Moving Day for Behler Blog

We have new digs at Word Press. I like their dookickey and boodads - and the fact that I can add pages that will offer more info.

Here's our new addy:
http://behlerblog.wordpress.com/

Please be sure to update whatever little things need updating so I can see y'all on the flip side.

“Damn it, I bought this writing book, and they told me…”

Ohboy. This particular lament is akin to a loaded gun with a rusty safety. Whenever anyone gathers up a bit of experience, the natural progression is to write a book in order to share the brilliance. I’ve lost count of the writer’s How To books on the market, but having done some serious market research on the category, I can attest to the fact that we could end world hunger if everyone took to eating paper.

I don’t have a problem with writer’s manuals that offer tips in writing the perfect query letter/ synopsis/promo plan, blah, blah, blah. Where my eyes glaze over is the sameness of nearly all of them. “I am THE resource for writing a lip-smacking query letter, and this is how it’s done!” screams one book. Another blasts out, “I have more practical promo tips than anyone!” The problem is, how is an author supposed to know which resource is the best and really will get results? Ya don’t, and that’s where this lament morphs into threats of bodily injury – especially when you see someone else moaning about how stupid that particular piece of advice is. Is there no consensus? Well…no. And this can leave authors feeling confused and angry at being a few dollars lighter.

For the most part, I like many of the writer’s books on the shelves. Knowledge is power, right? What I really hate are the books that smack “writing a bestselling novel,” “writing a guaranteed winner synopsis,” or “if you follow these simple rules, you’ll be published before you know it!” Bullpucky. There are no magic bullets to writing a great book. It comes down to the talents of the author, and I think this marketing ploy borders on thievery because they’re appealing to writer’s fervent desire to be published. Before authors know it, they’ve shelled out $24.95 for a book that can’t guarantee anything and offers some fairly mediocre, pedestrian advice.

So should authors avoid these books? I don’t think so. Many of them have great tips. But also be aware that should you use any of these tips – such as the “this meets that” can be a misfire for some. Personally, I hate it because it doesn’t tell me anything. It’s a lousy log line. But you’re dealing with a human element – at least that’s what we claim to be for now – and what I may hate, someone else may adore. At the very least, you’re learning about the industry, and that’s the best gift any writer can give themselves.

So how do I know all this? Well, you see, heh, heh, I, ah, wrote this book…

“It’s like this meets that…”

I know, you’re saying, “huh? Price is off her meds again. What is she talking about?” I’m talking about when query letters start off with comparisons like, “My book is like Elmer Fudd meets Jane Austen.” Aside from the fact that comparisons like this make me want to order up that long-awaited lobotomy, it has absolutely zero meaning to me. What aspects of Elmer Fudd are we talking about? His “waskely wabbit” talk? His gun? The fact that he can’t shoot straight? Or his goofy hat? And what of dear Jane Austen, which I will not even go there.

The idea of a query is to enlighten me, not make me guess at your clever riddle. I remember sitting in the bar at a writer’s conference and I asked the usual, “what is your book about?” The author chuffed out a triumphant grin and said, “My book is Star Trek meets Conan the Barbarian.” I blinked. “Yeah, and…?” “Damn,” he said, deflated, “that was my best line.” Well, dammit, in what way do these two distinctly different works compare, let alone create the foundation for a story?

My advice is to avoid using these types of comparisons in your query because you make us think too hard. We’re editors. We don’t want to think any harder than absolutely necessary. In this, I have the beagle beat by a mile. Not only does the connection invariably not jump out at us, there is also the chance that we are unfamiliar with one of your examples, or worse – we hated it. For instance, I’ve read The Bridges of Madison County. Hated it. So if you use this abomination as one of your “this meets that,” you have a strike against you. Plus, it tells me nothing of your story.

Do me a favor; don’t make me guess. Simply tell me what your story is about. The cleverer you try to be, the bigger chance of making my eyes glaze over. And after three chocolate martoonies, I’m already there, yanno?

Tagged, I'm sooo "not it"

Yeah. Uh huh. Thanks, Donna, you’re a dear, and I adore you (and your writing), but I don’t do tags. They’re chain letters. I sucked at chain letters as a kid, and I suck at memes now that I’m ostensibly all grown up. No one gives a rat’s patootie about my favorite drink (chocolate tarmoonies…um, choco martoonies…eh, choco martinis, and frothy margaritas), what I dreamed last night (Antonio Banderas sucking my toes), or what my fears are (sucking as a publisher and as a writer).

I’m not sure if there’s some meme netherworld where nonparticipants are tossed, but I hope there’s an impressive amount of fresh margaritas awaiting me.

Taking questions about POD

I've had several requests to continue discussions on Print on Demand (POD), and I'm not too sure what else can be said that hasn't already been wrung dry, folded, spindled, and mutilated. The labels off to the side of my blog reveals a ton of posts regarding this issue, so I'm going to offer it up to any readers who have questions about POD. Warning: I'm not a fan, but I will try my level best to remain fair and balanced.

Any questions may be sent to my email address: lynn at behlerpublications.com, and I'll be happy to answer them. Please put POD Questions in the subject line

It’s – it’s not my fault!

Oh for Pete’s sake, this is just plain getting silly. Jasmine-Jade Enterprises is suing Borders and Baker and Taylor for $1 smackers because they allegedly deliberately ordered more units of their books than they intended to sell, and that it’s crippling the industry. Their reasoning behind the supposed excessive orders is to create a credit balance

Let’s set the facts straight. First off, yes, some distributors charge their clients (publishers) pretty hefty fees for returns, fees the publisher has no choice but to pay, and excessive returns could create a huge problem for a small indie publisher. On top of those fees, the publisher has already shouldered all the production costs, which easily run into the thousands per title. So before a single sale is ever made, the publisher is in debt for a rough guestimate of $10,000 – depending upon the size of the print run. They need to get as many of those books sold in order to stay afloat, and this translates to placing as much product on to the store shelves as possible.

But what goes out can very easily come back, and no one foresaw the massive returns that hit us all very hard last year. However, it has to be said that at no time does a bookstore order more copies on purpose than they think will sell because they’d blow their seasonal budget. No one can afford to waste money.

Here are the facts: Buyers at Borders and B&T (and every other bookstore) order books based on what the sales reps for the publisher provide to them in PR, marketing, and appearances, etc. The buyers determine what the potential demand might be and place their order accordingly.

Now, once those orders come in from those bookstore accounts, the publisher and their distributor discuss the validity of that order. If the publisher feels the order is unrealistically high, they can easily contact the buyers and have them revise the PO to a lower quantity. Bada bing, bada boom. We do this all the time, and this is why we’re still bringing in money when other small presses I know are writing checks to their distributors. It’s called smart planning because we’re reducing our risk.

Obviously I can’t speak for Jasmine-Jade, but I have seen this time and time again. Publishers realize books can come back, so this isn’t a news flash, but they (especially the newbie types who don’t understand the industry as well) play roulette because they want their books in every retailer across the country. They push their distributors to the limit to maximize those numbers that go out the door without considering if those are legit sales.

So, in reality, who allowed those large orders to be shipped to Borders and B&T? Just where does the buck stop, and with whom does the real responsibility lay? Sorry, but I’m not buying it. And when those books come tumbling back because the publisher failed to create enough demand and they’re suddenly in the hole $50 - $100,000 to their distributors, the first thing they do is cry foul. It’s not my fault! they scream. Instead, they sue book chains and warehouse distributors for tons of money because they can’t afford to pay their distributor back.

I’m seeing this “it’s not my fault” mentality with more frequency, and it’s a discouraging turn of events. Either learn the darn business and make smart decisions regarding your risk, or close your damn doors. I’m not saying Borders are angels. It’s been well known for years that they are a dismal mess and have made many horrible business decisions. But in this case, the idiocy is misplaced.

You…yeah, I’m talkin’ to you

“I’m sure you can see that my heart was in my throat, so hear me out.”

Is this my best friend’s recitation about her horrific adventure of biting into a stale Twinkie? Is this a story the beagle told me about going to Dog Beach in Laguna? No. It’s a line from a manuscript, a first person narrative.

I’m not normally a fan of first person POV simply because of the tendency to engage the reader in a conversation, such as the line above. In truth, the author is not sitting at a bar with the reader, having a conversation. Sure, the writing style may very well give the feel of sitting across the table from the author, but the author does not actually talk to the reader. The last thing you want to do is step outside of your story to address the reader because you make them self-aware. It takes them out of your story and makes them conscious about their world; they haven’t made dinner yet or those wrinkled clothes ain’t gonna iron themselves.

You so do not want that. You want your readers to remain oblivious of the outside world, blissfully unconscious. Ever read a book clear into the wee hours of the night because you couldn’t put it down? That’s because the story was riveting and the reader was unresponsive to time, hunger, or the fact that they had to pee. I’ve had more than one reader cuss me out because they read my book in one sitting – no small feat since it’s a 400 page novel. That is what you’re looking for.

This:
“I’m sure you can see that my heart was in my throat, so hear me out.”

Can be easily fixed:
“My heart was in my throat.”

Bada bing, bada boom. The reader is no longer a participatory element to the story, and they stay put – between your pages. Entertain your readers, don’t talk to them…unless you’re at an author event being fawned over by your adorning public.

*Thanks, Beppie, for the great question

Oy, my day. Did I ask for this?

The New Year is cropping up a lovely batch of WTFs, and yesterday’s yield was the winner thus far. The year is still young, so there is plenty time to play the “Let’s Out-do The Last Bumbler.”

I drove over to the PO to pick up our mail. I expected a huge pile since we’d been out of town. (Sidenote: if you ever get the chance to visit Sedona, AZ, do it. The place is just plain gorgeous, and the dining can’t be beat. I recommend Enchantment and their chocolate martinis.) Okay, so the mail load was huge, and I kicked myself for not bringing the beagle. She can mouth a 400 page manuscript with her eyes closed.

And speaking of those 400 page manuscripts – those suckers only come to me if I request it. If they come to me unsolicited, I grow very cranky because I’m thinking about the young sapling who gave its life only so some nitwit could print it out and send it to a bunch of editors and agents – all who will dump it directly into the recycle bin. And this was what awaited me.

Sadly the envelope hadn’t fared to well, so it shed all its puffy, papery lining bits all over the back seat of my car.

Growing pissed.

I look at the return address; looks unfamiliar. I know I haven’t requested a full since signing the achingly talented Julie Genovese (repped by the adorable Stephany Evans) and James Fraoli (repped by the wonderfully gifted Andrea Hurst). WTF? sez I.

Growing more pissed.

Rather than leak papery, pulpy shred balls all the way up to my office, I open the package on the driveway, leaving a lovely pile that I’m sure will line the most exclusive of Lake Forest bird nests. Sitting on the top of the cover letter is a check. A CHECK. WTF? sez I? I briefly worry that I’m turning into a potty mouth and the beagle will start repeating me. I pull out a world-weary manuscript clipped in three different sections and a return envelope – shredded and beginning to dump its innards all over the driveway as well. The envelope isn’t SASE.

Getting even more pissed.

Ah! The light bulb in my cerebral cortex dings. The check is for the return postage.

Totally pissed.

Not only am I staring at a dog-eared manuscript that looks as though it has slept in every bordello between here and New Mexico, but I am supposed to deposit the check, wait for it to clear, pack up the manuscript, race over to the PO (because I know full well the beagle won’t do it) and pay for postage so this poor, pathetic, faded manuscript can return home to its master only to be sent out again and again until the letters fall off the page.

I realize there is a possibility that I’ll fall in love with the manuscript and won't return it, but I don’t publish YA fantasy. Heck, I don’t even pub YA period. Besides I, like my many colleagues, normally toss out unsolicited manuscripts - unread. So in essence, this whole affair was over something I DON’T PUBLISH. All this poor author had to do is look at our submission guidelines. All this poor author had to do is learn just a wee bit about query protocol. And the check? Ach, that’s unforgivable and makes me want to take out a fatwah on these folks.

Note to anyone with a firing synapse: Agents and editors DO NOT accept unsolicited manuscripts unless it’s specifically stated in their submission guidelines. And they most certainly will NOT accept a check as payment for postage. We will not, not, not take time out of our day to schlep down to the PO and pay for postage to mail your war-weary manuscript back to you. If you want it back, do the right thing, do the very thing we all scream loudly about; send an SASE. That means that YOU paid for the postage and it’s sitting on your torn up envelope, waiting to shred its little girly bits all over your back seat. Ayiyiyiyi. Beagle, fire up the blender, it’s gonna be an interesting year.

So…how was your day?

Best laid plans

“My book didn’t sell well, and I’m with a big publisher!”

Oboy. If I had that proverbial dime for every time I’ve heard that, I’d own Hawaii and the beagle would be sober. Yes, there are marketing misfires, and they’re disastrous for the author and the publisher – no matter if it’s a big publisher or a small fry. Communication is a vital cog in book production wheel, and it’s in everyone’s best interest to be on the same page in terms of promotion. But sadly, well, shit happens.

I saw one case where the publisher pitched an author’s book as a romance, and the author was trying to attract the scientific community. It tanked because they worked against each other. She was busy attending science fairs, and the publisher was taking out ad space and author events in the romance communities. Neither community had proper support because the author was AWOL at the romance conferences, and the publisher was AWOL with the science community. They worked against each other. To be sure, they should have established this before the book was released.

It’s not always a case of the publisher and author working against each other. Sometimes the audience surprises the socks off of everyone. I had this happen with my own book. I hit up all the alternative medical groups, who turned up their noses. WTF?? sez I. This was MADE for you guys, I insisted. I did exhaustive research on the alternative community, and my feedback told me there were plenty of buyers. But when it came to getting the big name blurbs from the altie community it was all yawn, yawn. I needed those blurbs to alert the alternative community about the book’s strength. Sure, I made sales to the alternative community, but not nearly the numbers we’d anticipated.

Surprisingly enough, my target audience ended up being doctors and women’s fiction readers – the very people whom I’d crossed off my list after meetings with my publicity folks and our distributor. We all agreed they probably wouldn’t read the book. But the feedback and buyer stats showed a very different story. Who knew? As it turned out, the characters were so strong that they stood on their own merit. Docs are willing to read anything medical and forgave my MC’s alternative medical foibles, and the women’s fiction readers loved my MC’s personal vulnerabilities. I made a huge miscalculation, and sales suffered for it.

Tunnel vision on our part? Possibly. But publishers go where they believe they can get the biggest bang for their buck and create their marketing plan to reach the largest numbers of interested readers.

This experience taught us a valuable lesson about the fickle nature of our audience; it’s varied, and there are no guarantees. Comforting, no? Not by a long shot. And this is why it’s so important for authors to understand their genre and avoid genre bias. What I mean by genre bias is that it may be possible your book will be better promoted in a different genre than the one you’d anticipated. For instance, I had several people tell me my book would fit into the romance genre. I gagged because my familiarity with romance encompasses the old bodice-busters my sister-in-law loved to read back in the day; you know, the old Harlequin Novels. How could I relegate Kim and Erik to such a fate? But when romance readers started contacting me, I took a closer look at romance because I discovered there are all types of love stories out there.

I’ve taken that hard lesson to work with me and look at our author’s books with a wider vision. Who would love this book, I ask myself? The answer isn’t always as plain as one might think. I then go about creating a marketing plan that feeds into a varied readership.

If authors understand their story and their characters, it will help them in marketing discussions with their editors. It’s so important to make sure you and your publisher have the same vision because they will be working in the background, supporting and promoting that vision. We can’t have you at the science fair if you’re supposed to be at the romance conference.

Books aren’t always black and white, and we all misfire from time to time. The author’s best defense is to be well read in your particular genre, of course, but to also cast your literary net beyond your own borders. Be in a position to help your editor create a winning promo strategy that will yield a great sell through because the best laid plans aren’t always successful.

What would Lynn think?

Ah, the New Year, and I’m back at work. And so are you lovely authors, judging from my inbox. One thing keeps popping out at me in this newest batch; lack of empathy. I know, I know, why should anyone give a flying pig’s tail what I, specifically, think? Well, if you’re querying me, you should care a great deal since I’m the slob sitting on the other side of the desk trying to decide whether your work scratches my literary itch and rolls my marketable marbles.

Since I’m not fortunate enough to know each of you personally, I have to rely on this pesky thing called communication. Hey, we’re all writers – communication is a piece of cake, right? WRONG. We all understand the ease in which we bang out an 80,000 masterpiece, but run like a girly girl at the prospect of condensing our stories down to a paragraph or a page. But it’s gotta be done, and there is no clever way around it.

I am not much for query letters or boring you with long details about the manuscript…my book is like The Kite Runner.

I so don’t want to see this, yet this is far from a first date for me. For starters, look at the attitude this author portrayed – probably innocently. I think that you’re too lazy, cool, rude, clueless, or “e;” all of the above. This screams “I don’t care enough about you or my work. If you don’t magically see my brilliance in this one sentence, then you’re an idiot.”

Well, ok, I’ll cop to being an idiot. In reality, my only real blunder was leaving my tinfoil hat at home so I could channel this author’s golden words. What aspects compare to The Kite Runner? Who are the characters? What is their dilemma, how do they work that dilemma out? Does it work out, or does something happen to prevent the resolution? Clearly this author didn’t consider what Lynn would think. Had he done that, he would have realized that his query told me nothing and was a wasted effort. Happy New Year, hello instant rejection.

Another lack of empathy is where the author can’t nail down his story. It’s like a chameleon, and every time we try to catch it, it changes color and becomes something else. Is it a self help book? Well, no. Um, well, that’s what your query sorta indicates. Is it a story about you or someone else? Well, sorta. Um, well, that’s what your query sorta indicates. Is this a quest for finding peace and equanimity in the chaotic world of college finals? No, it’s a lot like Marley and Me.

ARGH! Quit changing colors on me, and tell me what this darn story is about. I need to know the marketable qualities of your story. If you can’t get it out, it’s not my job to pry it out of you. I suck at 20 Questions, and I just lost the tinfoil hat to the beagle in a card game.

Before any of you wonderful folks hit the SEND button or mail your query out, ask yourself one question; what would Lynn think? Or preferably, what would anyone who has no clue about your story think? Is your pitch mouth-watering and clear? Does this tell me the compelling issues that make this a “gotta have it”? Does it properly intro the main characters, their dilemma, how they plan on resolving their problem (conflict), and how it gets resolved? Did you remember the word count? I have no idea how the author who didn’t want to “bother me with query letters and synopses” intended on capturing my attention, but he failed miserably.

Print your query out and have someone who knows nothing about your story read it. If they can understand exactly what the story is about and says, “Oh, heck yeah, I wanna read it,” then perhaps you’ve done a proper job of it. Don’t forget, the idea of the query is to get the agent or editor to ask for more.

I’ve worked with several authors who queried me over the weekend, trying to help them understand how and where they’ve gone wrong with their communication skills. Most agents and editors won’t do this; they’ll just send out a form rejection letter. I usually do the same thing, but in the goodwill and cheer of the New Year, I felt compelled to provide some help, in spite of my fears of the past where I’ve been invited to do all kinds of interesting things with any number of barnyard animals. So far, I’m four for four in the Grateful column, so I imagine the holiday spirit is holding out.

Dear, dear authors, think about the overworked, underpaid dolt sitting on the other side of the desk, and ask yourself whether we’ll understand and care about your story and your characters. Avoid the common pitfalls of boring and vague. Be clear, be knowledgeable, be brilliant.

Happy New You! Happy New Writing!