There oughta be a pill…

…for authors suffering from “premature submitculation.” What symptoms does the author present with this particular affliction?

• Huge Word Counts – I confess that when I see a query letter whose manuscript boasts a 150,000 word count, this is grounds for an automatic rejection. Authors oughta know better than to allow their story to get that big. Maybe there are two distinct stories trying to reside between one cover or there are 50,000 words of disposable fluff. I don’t know – figure it out and fix it.
• The Whine Zone – Another confession; I grit my teeth when I have an author call me and ask if they can submit their first 100 pages because, well, the story really heats up on page 75. Argh! Can you hear my intestines folding in on themselves? If the first chapter doesn’t grab me – okay, I’ll be totally honest – if the first few pages don’t grab me, there is no compelling reason to continue turning the pages unless I feel the plot is so whiz bang that I’m willing to give it a bit of wiggle room. But I have to put myself into the head of the reader/buyer at all times, and I know good and well the customer will put the book back on the shelf if those first few pages don’t grab them. And you want me to read to page 75? Argh! If you don’t feel confident that your ms grabs readers at the very beginning, you need to take serious stock of your work. And your writing ability.
• Query Letter – Yeah, yeah, I blather on about this topic a lot. But I can’t stress enough the importance of an effective query letter. This is the face of your manuscript. A writer could have the coolest story ever, and if he isn’t capable of communicating that story in one or two whiz bang paragraphs, then that coolest story ever will remain inside their desk. If you send me a poorly constructed query letter with a confusing pitch, I’ll more than likely not ask to see pages. I’ll just send out a rejection letter.
• “This is my first draft” (I know I can do better) – ARGH!! If you know you can do better, then keep your manuscript and DO better. Don’t send it to me. I’m not your margarita-slurping Auntie Bertha who is willing to read your work through a tequila haze. I’m not Mom who, of course, loves everything you do. I’m a business woman who reads for a living. I see lots of incredible work whose sheer brilliance brings tears to my eyes. That’s your competition. Along this same line, don’t ask if you can send me a new draft after you’ve already sent me pages. I always go on the assumption that work crossing my desk is the final version. Don’t “whoops” me. If you have done revisions, keep it to yourself. If I like the work and contact you, then you may tell me you’ve revised the work. I may look at you cross eyed, but, well, you did get my attention, so I’m willing to forgive you. Sorta.
• “I just finished this!” – This is the not-so-distant cousin to “This is my first draft.” This is the brand-spanking new author who banged out a story and deemed it ready for the world. It’s quasi-understandable. They’re excited about what they created and are eager to start submitting. It’s the validation that they created something marketable. But most times they haven’t because they jumped the gun. They didn’t give the manuscript time to age, like fine wine, they didn’t do any market research to analyze their competitors, they didn’t give it to a wide list of beta readers. Important Note: Manuscripts are not submit-ready while the words are still steaming on the page and your fingers are still smokin’. Walk away from your work and let everything cool down. It’s like the time I bought those Ferragamos. Upon waking the next morning, I gasped at the receipt. “What the hell was I thinking?”
• “Dear Editor” – Ok, that gets my goat. Right, wrong, or indifferent, I really detest being addressed as “Dear Editor.” It’s akin to be called “Hey You! Editor Lady!” My name is clearly marked in our submission guidelines, so there’s no need for confusion. This irks me as much as those who don’t take the time to read our guidelines to see what kind of work we’re seeking.

I know there are other symptoms to Premature Submitculation, but these are the big ticket items that cause me to take a fraction of a nanosecond to reach for a form rejection letter.

The cure is to turn off your computer and lie down on the beach with a box of Twinkies. Go out and play volleyball with the man-meat of your choice. Have lunch with your best bud. Have your dog walk you on the bike path. After a month, go back and review your work. And research the industry. Never stop learning. After all, this is a world in which you’d like to reside. Make sure you’ve built a strong house.

*I admit it, I kept the shoes.

Lynnfucious Say...

Never submit too early. Manuscript is like fine wine, young grasshopper. Let it age. If you come back to it after a month and it still sings, then send it to to agent or editor for much pleasure.

It’s love at first button

I bought a Kindle. I’m in love. Slap sticky kissy facey love. I spent all yesterday playing with it, and after learning all its ins and outs and uploading manuscripts and submissions, I wonder why I didn’t buy one ages ago. My newfound efficiency is beginning to frighten my family. I can make notes and highlights to my files, and make stickies as to which editor I’ll assign to the project. Think of it; I can make decisions while standing in line at Costco or riding the bike at the gym. Un-freaking-believable.

Lists, lists, make a list

I know it's a small thing considered that you've banged out a lovely story and are eager to pitch it about to agents and editors, but, please, for the love of all that's holy, keep a list of those you query/submit. I keep getting a sense of déjà vu when I open a query that sounds strangely familiar. A quick check of my files invariably shows that this is, indeed, a boomerang query, and I have to turn around and reject it a second time.

Odd that I can spend hours trying to remember where I parked my car, yet I can remember submissions from five years ago. Must be a blip in my DNA.

For Whom the bell tolls…or is it Who?

There is one consistent mistake I see writers make in their writing; knowing the difference between who and whom. I’m not going to get all technical English-y here because I’m all about making things easy to remember.

Whom takes a direct object – Whom do you love?
Who refers to the subject of a clause – Who ate my Twinkie?

I can hear you now: “Argh! Subject? Direct object? Whyohwhy didn’t I pay better attention in sophomore English class?”

Here’s a helpful hint:

• “Who/whom do I thank for these Twinkies?”
  The answer: “I thank him.”

• Who/Whom ate my Twinkie?
  The answer: “He did.”
  

Remember:
Him/Her = whom
He/She = who

Substitution method
Or you can substitute personal pronouns (he/him, she/her) for who/whom. I like this because it’s helpful in more complex sentences. You may have to alter the sentence around.

Example:

• Lola, my secretary, is an unreliable beagle who got the job because she’s cute. (She got the job because she’s cute.)
  

• I would have preferred hiring the UPS man whom I lust after because he has a hairy chest. (I lust after him because he has a hairy chest.)
  

Here’s a tougher one:

• The office argued over who they felt would make the better secretary. (Did I fool anyone? In this case (getting technical here) the entire clause is the object of the preposition. This is why I like substitution. They thought he would make a better secretary.)
  

So what about whoever and whomever? Same rules apply.

• Since half the office wanted Mr. Hairy Chest and the other half wanted the beagle, I decided to keep whoever bought me Twinkies on a regular basis. (He bought me Twinkies on a regular basis.)

Okay, I could have said “I decided to keep him” (which would make it “whomever”), but the phrase “He bought me Twinkies” is the object of the preposition “keep.” So, it's “whoever.”)

• The beagle stomped out and said, “Hire whomever you want. I’m going out for a latte.” (“Hire him.”)

Hot Twinkies - I'm Washington bound

I knew it was a matter of time before I’d be forced to abandon my editing duties and pick up the banner of politics. I just hadn’t suspected it would be this soon.

As president, one of my first orders of business is to make all Behler Publications books mandatory reading in every school and library. Furthermore, I will fire my secretary, which is an unreliable beagle, and get in some real talent with opposable thumbs. I am elevating all my editors to the Supreme Court, and our cover designer will take over the CIA.

I'd like to thank all the little people who got me where I am today. See you in the White House…

Stan Chambers Rules

How freaking excited am I? July 25 is Stan Chambers Day in Los Angeles, and I can’t imagine this happening to a nicer man. Not only has Stan spent the past 60 years being the perpetual Mr. Nice Guy behind the microphone for KTLA Channel 5 News, but he’s spent the past 1.5 years being Mr. Nice Guy Author with us. This is a man who comes into our living rooms every night, scooping interviews with the famous and infamous, and breaking earth shattering stories like the Rodney King beating. Way to go, Stan, you totally rock.

Cover letters need to keep the tourists happy

I just tossed two submissions – unread – because the authors’ cover letters were abysmal. They couldn’t spell themselves out of a paper bag, and any knowledge of sentence structure had been tossed under a bus. Adding to the mayhem was a lack of focus on their pitch, which boiled down to descriptions and no plot.

I’ve received heat for rejecting someone based on a lousy cover letter in the past. Authors complain that even if the cover letter isn’t up to par, the submission still deserves to be read. My comeback is that a cover letter is the most important introduction of the author and their work, and if they can’t get that small part right, then I will assume that the rest is equally inferior. Given the stack of properly written submissions that are reaching for my ceiling, I slice and dice out of necessity. Unfair, you shout?

Let’s say you’re the manager of La Fussy Restaurante de Yummy and you need to hire a front desk receptionist. Two women walk in. One smells like week old meatloaf, is wearing ripped leather, has safety pins stashed in her lips, ears, eyebrows, and nose, and sports a tattoo that says “Death to Twinkies.” The other woman is wearing a conservative dress, nylons, sensible shoes, neatly styled hair, and smells like fresh flowers. Who do you think that manager is going to interview? Even though Tattoo Lady could be the best person in the world, her appearance precedes her, and she’ll be shown the door faster than the manager can utter, “Gastro demonics.”

Thus is the case with a submission – the cover letter precedes everything, and like the restaurant manager, I’m going to decline to interview anyone whose appearance is disheveled and unprofessional. A lousy appearance tells me that the author doesn’t care or, Twinkie forbid, doesn’t know enough to realize they are ignorant. Ignorance or apathy isn’t an effective method to catching my attention.

So, remember, cover letters are a lot like snappy window dressing; they entice the tourists to come in and buy. Or at least read.

To that end, here’s some simple advice for cover letters that will show you’re well-dressed:

1. Tagline / genre/ word count
2. Pitch: A condensed version (paragraph) of the synopsis
3. Bio: A smattering about you

• Why you wrote the book
• Book’s unique qualities
• Connects with a specific audience
• Future books, plans for career

A sample cover letter can be seen here.

Websites – Keep it active

When I sign a new author, one of the things I mention is their website – they need one. Most have already considered this necessity as a part of modern publishing and promotion, but most are unaware of how to exploit their sites to their best advantage.

The idea of a website isn’t to bring readers to your site once, but to keep bringing them back over and over again to see the new content. That is how word of mouth is born.

Word of mouth = sales.
Sales = royalties.

Ah, I have your attention now, right?

All too often I see disastrous author websites that appear to be little more than templates bought at WalMart. No knock to Sam Walton – bless his gazillionaire little heart – but this is no time to look like Budget Rent-A-Wreck. Even worse is the stale information on these sites because the authors don’t add new content.

Say you’re the author of a fabulous book on knitting toilet paper doilies. Your website will, of course deal with you and your book, but it should also have content on knitting, opinion pieces on how Charmin is better than Quilted Northern, and a few sample patterns. Perhaps each week or month you’ll toss in a new toilet paper doily pattern. Maybe you’ll create pattern of the month themes. August is Dragon Toilet Paper Doily month, for example. Of course you would tell everyone that the Breathing Fire Dragon sample pattern is in your book. The idea is to entice people to return to your site and talk about you and your book. Otherwise, the hits to your site become more of an accident than being someone’s morning read.

A blog is also a great way to keep your content new. Adding the link to your site will drive readers to your blog, where you can interact with your readers and set yourself up as an expert in your field. Going back to the toilet paper doily author, she could use her blog to answer questions she (I’m going to go out on a limb here and assume few men would be in on this) receives from other knitters. What are the best needles to use? The best yarn? Should I drink heavily while knitting? How about knitting in the nude while sitting on the front lawn? The author can take on a new question each day, and this keeps people coming back.

This pertains to fiction as well. An effective way of doing this is to pull out the nonfiction elements of your novel and key in on it. Maybe your character has a passion for Twinkies. Your site could have articles on the history of Twinkies, or recipes. Maybe the character has a cool classic car. You could have a section on your site titled “Articles” or “Opinions.” You could write weekly articles on elements that are germane to your book. And always be sure to stick that into your article somewhere. Or your blog could deal with these issues.

A classy site conveys a classy book and a classy writer, so get yourself a damn good web designer and get crackin’. The idea is to keep ‘em coming back.

Hellooo...clueless authorrr...

This is an open letter to the author who wrote me on May 5, June 10, and again today, regarding the status of his six – yes SIX – queries that are all packed neatly into one submission. You wondered why I failed to contact you the two previous times. After looking at this one today, I’ll tell you:

• You submitted six freaking books to me. At once. Who in their right mind does this?

• A few of them are SF. I don’t do SF. Check my submission guidelines. They aren’t on our website to amuse the tourists.

• You gave me a couple lines description of each of the six titles that tells me zippo. Ever heard of a synopsis?

• You sent me one page from Ch. 1 of each book. Each page was single spaced and achingly hard to read.

I could go on for days about the various infractions you committed here, but in the end it doesn’t matter. All of them tell me you know didly squat about writing a proper submission. And this is why I probably tossed your letters out in May and early June. And I’ll toss this one out as well.

I would have emailed this bit of embarrassment to you had you given me your email address – but you didn’t. I would have mailed this to you had you given me an SASE (I won't part with my own stamps) – but you didn’t do that either. All you included was your phone number. YOUR PHONE NUMBER. I call an author is when I have an offer on the table, not to offer personal rejections. Do I look like the pizza man?

So I hope you happen to stumble upon this blog so you understand why you won’t be receiving a reply from me. ‘Course had you been reading my blog, you would have never submitted this abortion in the first place.

Ms. Snark, why didn’t you will your clue gun to me?