Spicing Up the Office

(ring, ring)

“Behler Publications. We have dubbed this Speak Like Star Trek Day (original cast, thank you). This is Bones speaking, how may I help you?”

Book reviewer with very good sense of humor: Dammit, Bones, it’s Star Date Twenty-seven gazillion point one. In order for us to publish this review, I need the cover art and agent information!

Me: Dammit, Jim, I’m a publisher, not a mind reader! I’ll have Lt. Uhura transmit the files over to you in ten nanoseconds! (ever notice how they speak in exclamation points)

(ring, ring)

“Behler Publications. We have dubbed this Speak Like Star Trek Day (original cast, thank you). This is Spock speaking, how may I help you?”

Agent whose winning personality matches her talent: Dammit, get me the Captain, you pointy eared, heartless, radioactive star waste.

Me: Ah, a Klingon from New York. How logically predictable. The Captain is tied up with the Nurse. May I assume from your colorful metaphors that you’re inquiring as to when we’ll finish reading your client’s manuscript?

Agent: Damn skippy. You’ve had it for a light year, and we’d like some feedback.

Me: If you check your tricorder, you’ll see that I transported it out to your exploding star of an assistant last week. Didn’t you get it?

Agent (suddenly contrite): Ah. Sorry, Spock. (heard in the background) "Checkhov, get your Russian hide in this office at once!" Over and out, Spockie, babe. Love the ears and eyebrows. Don’t ever change.

(ring, ring)

“Behler Publications. We have dubbed this Speak Like Star Trek Day (original cast, thank you). This is Captain Kirk speaking, how may I help you?”

Caller: Uh, I’ll call back when you’re feeling normal.

Me: Could be a while. I’m overworked and underpaid.

(ring, ring)

“Behler Publications. We have dubbed this Speak Like Star Trek Day (original cast, thank you). This is Captain Kirk speaking, how may I help you?”

Caller: Hola, is this the El Grande Bresto Clinic?

Me: Agh!! Scotty, shields up! Bring the photon torpedoes online! Fire at will!

(ring, ring)

“Behler Publications. We have dubbed this Speak Like Star Trek Day (original cast, thank you). This is Lt. Uhura speaking, how may I help you?”

Caller: Yes, this is Lt. Warf from the postal annex. We just received a box that’s wrapped up in tin foil and smells like peanut butter. Just what kind of publishers are you, anyway?

Me: Oy vey, another author who thinks wrapping submissions in weird packaging will get my attention. Beam me up, Scotty. The Tribbles have escaped again.

Public service announcement: you may want to wait to call us tomorrow when it’s Talk Like The Pillsbury Dough Boy