How to ensure your rejection

I know most people query or submit to editors with the intent of publication. However, there is a small populace who has the opposite desire. It is their quest to make their presentation so ridiculous that any editor with half a brain will have little choice but to toss it – but not after they’ve had their fill of eye rolls.

The first thing you should do is send a book. Not the first X number of pages and a synopsis – but a book.

Your first line should read like this:
________________________________________

“If you’re willing to invest fifteen minutes of your time reviewing the enclosed self-published book, I’m A Freaking Idiot, I believe you’ll be inspired to help me introduce it to a larger audience through a traditional publisher.” (LP:I’ll admit that I’m a fast reader, but I can’t read 96,000 words in fifteen minutes.)
________________________________________

Your second para should go like this:

________________________________________

“I apologize for deviating from the standard Query/Synopsis/Proposal paradigm the publishing industry imposes upon writers (LP: yes, we really do think up ways to screw with a writer’s head). I believe I’m entitled to this deviation for the following reasons (LP: because I’m a freaking idiot and have an ego the size of a Sherman tank):

• Query Letter – I believe your time is too valuable to waste on the typical back and forth query letter process, I know mine is. (LP: ah, well, yes, we are here to serve your every whim, dear author)
• Synopsis – I created a five page chap-by-chap synopsis of this book and sent it to several agents last year. It was ignored. In reality I’d much rather prefer that you read the first five pages of my book instead of the five page synopsis. (LP: isn’t he helpful? If he had sent me a five page synopsis, I probably would have rejected this outright since our guidelines request a one page synop. All the poor soul had to do is read the guidelines. But he’s too cool for this)
• Proposal – Who am I to tell a literary professional how to do their job? (LP: uh, dude, you’ve been doing this throughout your entire letter – why stop now?) I’m new to the process (LP: Yes. It shows), so I’m asking you to help guide me through the publishing process. (LP: Huh? When did that become part of my job description? I demand a raise!) I realize another aspect of a proposal is my opportunity to make promises about how hard I’ll work to help promote my book. Instead of words, I’ve taken the action of sending you a copy of this book at my expense to demonstrate my commitment and belief in my project. (LP: come on; how hard was it to slip your book into an envelope along with a schmutz of a letter? You’re lazy and clueless – truly a scary combination)

________________________________________

Finish your letter off with one last para:

________________________________________

“Blah, blah, blah…If I’m mistaken, please feel free to pass it along to somebody you believe might be interested in either reading or promoting.” (LP: I’ll get right on it. First thing tomorrow)
________________________________________

And lastly, don’t include an SASE.

I’ve been looking at this all day because it’s one of the more inane query letters I’ve received in a long time. I may keep this to use for my seminars. As for the book? I ditched it within minutes of reading the letter.

So there it is; the smoking gun on how to get rejected within nanoseconds of opening the envelope.

*This is an actual letter